Broken Twilight
by Lachenna
Summary: Being in a homosexual relationship while working for the Catholic Church was a very big risk to take. The love they shared made it worth it, but now that they've been caught, things are going to have to change. Semi-AU. AllenxKanda.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've decided I need to post some of my backlog of unfinished stories, and this is one of them. This story won't be updated with any sort of regularity; instead of being on a schedule like my main stories, it will be updated whenever I feel like it. Basically, I'll update it based on how it's received. If you like it, please review it; I'm more likely to work on this story and update it if I feel like people want to read it.

This is one of the more unfinished of my unfinished stories. I know where I want it to go, but it may not actually get there, so the description is liable to change. For now, all you really need to know is that it follows the same rules as my other semi-AU stories: the last cannon events are Allen fleeing the Order and Kanda going after him. Specifically, this story starts approx. ten years after that, making Allen 25 and Kanda 28.

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The sky was grey and dark. Even though it was morning, it looked like the middle of the night. Rain was pouring down in buckets, drenching everything in sight. The wind howled and whipped around every corner, almost driving the rain sideways at times, and the occasional crack of thunder warned of approaching lightning. It was horrible weather that anyone with any semblance of sanity would stay out of. But I still walked down to the park, just like I had done every Friday for the last six months. And just like always, the bench down at the far end of the tree-lined walkway was my destination.

The Moyashi and I had picked the spot years ago. We had come through this tourist town on a mission and had determined that it would be the perfect hideout if we ever needed to run from the Order. With all of the tourists coming through, the town operated in English and had a high population of Asians compared to the rest of Europe; we wouldn't be noticed here. And that specific park bench, at ten o'clock on Friday morning, was our agreed upon meeting place for if we had to flee separately.

Rather unfortunately, that was the situation in which I currently found myself.

I'd been going to that bench every Friday like clockwork. It was just part of my routine now. After six months, I still held the hope that my Moyashi would show up one day, but it was getting harder to believe that I would see Allen again. After all, as far as I knew, he was still imprisoned somewhere by the Order - if he was even still alive.

But he was my whole world; I had to believe that he would come back to me. Which was why I continued to check our meeting spot long after I would have normally grown weary of the task.

It had been two and a half years since the night we'd been caught in bed together. Two and a half years since we'd been dragged half-naked through the halls of headquarters, the officers from Central creating a spectacle in front of all of our friends. Two and a half years since we'd been arrested for homosexuality and locked up.

Central had dragged our trial out for months. They kept us separated, only allowing us to see each other in the courtroom, and never allowing us to speak to one another. Not that we would have spoken if we'd been given the chance. Allen and I had long ago agreed that if we were ever caught, we would face the consequences with our heads held high and our mouths clamped shut. Neither one of us had said a single word since we'd been arrested. Personally, I just enjoyed the way my silence freaked everyone out, but I also knew that if I were to speak, my words would have only made the situation worse.

A few of our friends tried to testify on our behalf, but Lenalee's testimony had done just that: it made everything worse.

After dragging their feet for six months, the council finally decided on a sentence for us. They made a big show out of not telling us what it was, refusing to publicly announce our punishment because they wanted our friends to be helpless to fight against it: they couldn't help us if they didn't know where we were or what was happening to us.

But before we were taken away, I was dragged out to the center of the room and forced to kneel. And then, while a CROW held me down, they brought out a pair of scissors and, in front of everyone, cut off all of my hair. I imagine that it was supposed to be some form of humiliation, some higher up somewhere saw my long hair as a sign of rebellion and wanted to make a point, but if they were hoping to get a reaction from me, they were severely disappointed. Even if my hair had meant something to me, which it didn't, something as pointless as that wasn't going to get me to crack.

It did, however, make the Moyashi crack. He loved my hair, and being forced to watch it get chopped off was too much for him. His tears got stronger and his sobs got louder with every snip of the scissors. It was awful to hear, far more awful than the forced haircut was. I fought against my binds and managed to lock eyes with my Moyashi. I silently begged him to get ahold of himself, to be strong and not let this get to him.

That was the last time I saw Allen.

From there I was taken to the Asian Branch, where I was locked in a subterranean cell and chained to the wall. I was left alone in the damp and the dark and the cold with only a small, threadbare blanket for comfort. I was brought food on a semi-regular basis, though the meals were clearly designed to only provide a very minimal amount of nourishment, and I was never given the satisfaction of seeing who brought them. The only human interaction I got came once every few months, when someone from Central would come down to my cell and repeat the process of cutting off all of my hair. They apparently thought that keeping it short would keep me docile.

As far as punishments went, it was rather pathetic. Sure, I was on the edge of unhealthy, deprived of the food that kept my body strong, but I had quickly adjusted to the cold, and I really didn't mind being alone. The only company I missed was my Moyashi's.

The hardest part of all of it was that I knew the Moyashi was going through something that was a million times worse than simply being locked up and ignored. After the whole fiasco with the Second Exorcist Project (which was declared a total failure when I was discovered as homosexual), the higher ups were content to just leave me there in that cell and forget that I ever existed. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that they were only keeping me alive in order to manipulate Allen, because he was the one they were mad at; he was supposed to be their savior and instead he'd turned out to be the host of a Noah and a homosexual. I didn't know for sure what he was going through, but I'd been through enough to know that whatever it was would be inhumane and it would push him to the edge of insanity. I wanted to save him, but as long as I was stuck in that cell, I was helpless to do so.

But I was patient. All I had to do was bide my time and the opportunity to escape would present itself. If Central thought I was going to just sit there and waste away, they had another think coming. As the days passed, I found the week spots in the stones of my cell, and I worked my way out of the chains that kept me bound to the wall. I kept myself as fit as possible, readying myself for my eventual escape.

I knew better than to expect a rescue. I may have been at the Asian Branch, but even with as guilty as he felt over his family's involvement in my past, Bak knew better than to try to help me. The same went for Fou and everyone else under his command. The most I could hope for was that they would look the other way if they caught me escaping.

So when I woke up one night to find my cell door wide open, I was immediately on high alert. Though, technically, I didn't know what time of day it was; I only assumed that it was night because I had been sleeping. I slowly and carefully got to my feet, suspiciously eyeing the open door. It felt like a trap. It also felt like there was someone in my cell with me. Yet in what little light there was, I could see that the room was empty.

"Who's there?" The words were little more than a whisper, and they felt harsh on my throat. I had barely used my voice since I'd been sentenced, and that had been at least a year earlier.

The response I got came in the form of a muffled chuckle. I recognized that voice the second I heard it, but it only put me more on edge. The man it belonged to was dead; he'd been killed months before Allen and I got together. I briefly thought I was imagining the laughter, but then he spoke. "You're not as stupid as people say you are."

I growled at the insult, the action clearing my throat and helping me find my voice. "How are you here, Cross? Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

When I said his name, the redhead suddenly shifted into view, standing less than six inches in front of me. I wasn't really surprised that he was actually there; of everyone I knew, it was Cross who would have faked his own death. He scowled at me. "Is that any way to talk to the man who's here to free you from this hellhole?"

"Who said I wanted your help?" I was surprised at how quickly the sarcasm came back. Some part of my brain said that antagonizing this man wasn't a good idea, but I really couldn't help myself.

Cross just smirked at me, and when he spoke, he was definitely mocking me. "Oh, then I guess you don't want _this_ either."

The long, thin object he held out was very familiar to me. I may not have seen it in well over a year, since the day it was forcibly taken from me, but I still felt its pull. _Mugen_.

I reached out for my sword, but I stopped myself from actually grabbing it. Turning my gaze to Cross, I could only stare blankly at him. "How did you get this? Wasn't it destroyed after-?"

He cut me off with a derisive snort and thrust Mugen into my open hand. "Just take it. You can ask your questions once we're out of this place."

The time to banter with Cross was done, so I kept my mouth shut and did what he wanted; he was there to break me out, and even though his possible motives confused me, I knew better than to throw that opportunity away. As my hand closed around Mugen's sheath, I felt more whole than I had in a long time. Allen was still missing, but with Mugen by my side, he wouldn't stay that way for long.

Twenty minutes later, Cross and I were in the forest outside. We'd hit a few minor bumps on our way out, but we had made it without being caught. It had taken an uncomfortably long time for my eyes to adjust to well-lit corridors after being kept in the dark for so long, and Cross had even had to carry me at one point, something that was incredibly uncomfortable for both of us, but we made it.

The night air felt wonderful. It was warm, and the breeze was gentle and refreshing. Even the ground, with its sharp sticks and pointy rocks, felt good on my bare feet. I was free.

Cross laughed at my out of character reaction, but unexpectedly, he didn't tease me. When I questioned it, he explained that I'd been in that cold, dark cell for eighteen months, and there was nothing to tease me over; my reaction was perfectly natural after being in captivity.

The redhead led the way through the forest to an abandoned shack. I wondered how he knew it was there, but I got that answer as soon as we were inside. The outside may have looked old and abandoned, almost blending in with the forest, but the inside was kept up. The furniture was nice and clean, there was a fire going in the fireplace, and a pot of something that smelled like food was bubbling over it.

Before I could get angry at Cross, he laughed and pushed me into a chair by the kitchen table. He walked over to the fire and began stirring the pot, explaining as he did so. "This place has been here for decades. Bak and Fou fixed it up back when Allen was discovered as the Fourteenth; it was meant to be a safe place for him to hide if he needed to run away. We'll be safe here for a few days while you recover some strength, those two will make sure of that, and once the chaos of your escape fades, we can move on."

It was nice to hear that Bak and Fou had aided in my escape, they were undoubtedly how Cross got his hands on Mugen, but his words reminded me of something else, something far more important. "Where _is_ Allen?"

Cross visibly faltered, the fact that he failed to mask his emotions telling me that the answer wasn't good. "The North American Branch. Though they'll probably move him after this."

The words almost made me cry. I had hoped that Cross' rescue had been orchestrated by the Moyashi, but that apparently wasn't the case. "So he's still locked up."

The redhead nodded solemnly as he set a bowl of stew in front of me. "I couldn't get to him. I tried, but those bastards have him locked up too tight. The only way I could help him was to help you. Because this is what he would want. He'd want me to help you first."

I snorted. Unfortunately Cross' explanation made perfect sense; this truly was what Allen would want. "That's because he's an idiot with a martyr complex."

Cross laughed but it was forced. It wasn't surprising at all that his next words were to change the subject. "Eat. There's more if you want, but don't make yourself sick. Your stomach might not be able to handle much real food after that swill they've been feeding you. When you're done, the shower's in the back, and there are clean clothes for you to put on when you've finished."

That was six months ago. We stayed in the shack for a week, and then we made our way to this town. Cross found a rich woman to live off of, and I got a job hauling boxes in the marketplace. Whenever I had a few days off, I'd blow off steam by traveling to one of the nearby towns and killing off any akuma I encountered. Our plan was to wait here until we got word of where Central moved Allen to, and then we'd figure out how to rescue him. In the meantime, I checked our bench every single Friday on the off chance that the Moyashi had managed to escape without us hearing about it.

Logically, I knew there was little chance of seeing him there, but the ritual made me feel close to him, so I kept it up.

Even in the pouring rain.

Spying a figure on our bench, I halted my walk. Whoever the stranger was, they were wearing a long, dark coat with the hood up, blocking their face and concealing their body structure. It was really strange that they were there. No one was there when the weather was good, so why was someone out in this god-awful storm?

When the gravel crunched under my boots, the hooded figure looked up. I still couldn't see their face, but the strand of snow white hair that had come loose told me everything I needed to know. "Moyashi?"

He cocked his head to the side and his hood fell off, revealing the red scar on his face and allowing the rest of that white hair that I had missed so much to become soaked by the rain. His skin was paler and his hair was longer, reaching well past his shoulders, but aside from looking a little older, he really didn't look much different from how I remembered him. He blinked his beautiful silver eyes a few times before he found his voice. "Yuu? What did you do to your hair?"

I laughed awkwardly as I ran my hand through the short, rain-drenched strands that were plastered to my head. My hair had evened out since the last time Central had forcibly cut it, but I was still wearing it short. "It was pointed out to me that my appearance is less conspicuous with it cut like this, so I've been keeping it short. But I'll gladly grow it out again if that's what you want."

Allen's laughter immediately turned to sobs. He was in my arms in a heartbeat, holding me in a death grip as he continued to cry. I felt a few stray tears run down my cheeks as well. It had been two and a half years since I'd last held my Moyashi, two since I'd seen him at all, and now he was here, in my arms, and he was going to stay that way.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Almost five months later, here's Allen's side of the story. Well, most of it anyway - gotta leave some mystery for upcoming chapters. I _am_ working on this story, it's just really slow going.

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The previous two years of captivity and torture were hell. But that all vanished the moment I laid eyes on Kanda. He was mine once again, and all that pain and anguish was forgotten as I felt his love for me. The fact that he was actually there, in our spot, looking for me, filled me with so much warmth that it felt like I would melt. Just being next to him made everything better.

Even if his haircut was really weird.

Yuu looked great. He was still as strong and limber as I remembered, and, annoyingly, he was still taller than me. But until he grew his hair long again, it wouldn't be the same. _It's not ever going to be the same._

He held my hand as we walked back to the place where he was staying. We didn't talk much beyond him telling me that he'd been here, waiting for me, ever since his escape; we were content to just be with each other. I was curious what he'd been put through after we'd been separated, but if it was anything like what had happened to me, I wasn't going to be able to handle hearing it. Maybe someday we'd have recovered enough to talk about what we'd been through, but neither of us needed to relive that pain any time soon.

Though, if I'm being honest, that was just me futilely wishing that I would be able to get away with never having to admit to what had been done to me.

Kanda led me up a stone walkway to a house that looked like all the others on the street. He held the door open for me, and once inside, I followed his lead and removed my muddy shoes and rain soaked coat.

As I was hanging my coat on the hook next to Yuu's, a very familiar gruff voice called out from the other room. I froze in shock when I heard it. Master Cross was _dead_. But that was undoubtedly him, from the mocking tone to the arrogance it masked. It couldn't be anyone else. "I see you're back from your walk. Is that any way to live your life? Just sitting around waiting for someone to show up?"

His words confused me, but they just seemed to irritate Kanda. And, honestly, it felt good to see Yuu get annoyed at someone; it was a sight I hadn't seen in years and it made me feel like things were normal. "Che. You're one to talk, drinking your life away like that."

At the challenge that I had thought multiple times but had never had the guts to say out loud, Cross stepped into the entryway where we were standing. Whatever it was that he had been about to say to Kanda died in his throat. He looked at me like I was a ghost, which was rather ironic as he was the one who was supposed to be dead. "Allen?"

I gave him a small smile, and then, to my great surprise, I found myself wrapped in a hug. The atypically affectionate gesture ended rather quickly though. Master Cross tousled my wet hair as he pulled away. "It's good to see you, Allen."

"It's good to be free." We all smiled, and before I could question Master Cross as to how he was alive, Kanda grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the room Cross had just come out of.

There was a brief flashback to my childhood as I took in the sight of the empty alcohol containers and the full ashtrays that were scattered around the living room, but then I was sitting on the couch, in Kanda's lap, as he held me close to him. It felt so good to be in his arms again, but now wasn't the time to dwell on that.

Master Cross sat down across from us, and I knew what he was going to ask before he said it. "How'd you get out?"

"Neah." The name was enough of an explanation all by itself, but I told the story anyway. "He conned the Earl into attacking the branch where I was being held and used the chaos to help me escape."

I smiled to myself as I remembered that day. The explosions that rocked the opposite side of the building I was in were confusing, and I probably would have been concerned about them, but the alarm bells that rang out caused the CROW and the scientists around me to leave me alone, and from a selfish standpoint, I could only be grateful for whatever it was that was going on. I finally had a moment of freedom from the nonstop tests and experiments that Central had ordered.

I tried to take advantage of the moment and escape, but with the paralytic they'd designed to suppress Crowned Clown still in my system, I couldn't even wiggle my fingers, let alone sit up. The sound of approaching footsteps made me give up trying, as I knew that it was someone coming back to check on me. But the person who appeared in the room wasn't anyone I was expecting to see. I don't think I've ever been happier to see Neah, and that's counting the first time I saw him in his new host. Aside from a few initial curses when he first saw the condition I was in, Neah didn't say a word. He quickly unfastened my restraints, unhooked the IV paralytic, wrapped my naked body in his jacket, and then there was a flash of white light and we were inside the ark.

From there, Neah took me to a small clinic, where the doctor and his nurse looked after me until I was recovered enough to look after myself. It was a very long four days, as I was completely helpless while we waited for the paralytic to leave my system. Neah visited every day, talking about unimportant things and otherwise comforting me with his presence, but once we left the clinic, that changed. He called me an idiot constantly, ranting on and on about how stupid I was for returning to the Order instead of going with him. I knew it was all said with love, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the trouble of rescuing me, but it still hurt.

Yuu tightened his hold on me when I finished telling my story. I knew exactly what he was thinking, as it was clear that even the brief mention of experiments had pissed him off - like I knew it would - but I didn't want the conversation to drift in that direction, so I continued to talk. "Anyway, that was three weeks ago. Once I was well enough to travel on my own, I came here. I knew you were out, and I hoped that you'd remember our meeting spot, and you did. You were actually here waiting for me."

I turned my smile from Yuu to Master Cross; the fact that he was living with Kanda was all I needed in order to know that he'd had a hand in his escape. "I suppose I owe you a thank you for that. Not just for helping Kanda, but it was his escape that gave Neah the opportunity to rescue me. I wouldn't be out if you hadn't done what you did."

Master Cross just laughed at my gratitude. "I was only doing what you would have wanted. If I'd tried to help you first, you'd have only gotten mad at me."

I frowned at the insult, but before I could come up with a retort, Master Cross leaned back in his chair, lit a cigarette, and changed the subject. "So what are you two going to do now?"

The way Kanda scoffed and rolled his eyes told me that he and Cross had already had this conversation, but I answered the question anyway. After all, things had changed in the last three weeks, and it was easier to explain this to both of them at the same time rather than to do it twice. "The plan was always to lay low here. We'd get jobs and live like normal people until it was safe enough to travel, at which point we'd decide if we wanted to move on or stay." I paused to summon my courage, unsure of how they'd react to the next part. "But Neah has other plans for us."

Kanda growled lowly, his hand on my hip tightening almost painfully. "You made a deal with the devil, simply because he helped you escape, didn't you?"

Annoyed, I reached behind me and flicked his ear. "Don't be like that. Neah saved my life. And there's no call for you to be so suspicious. You already know that he's not going to force us into anything. And you also already know exactly what Neah wants from us. This is a repeat of seven years ago. He still wants us to join his side, and unlike last time, we have nowhere else to go."

Kanda continued to scowl disapprovingly at me, so I smirked and tried to make a joke out of it. "If it makes you feel better, he's promised not to say 'I told you so'."

Before Kanda could reply, I scowled at my left hand in annoyance. "Crowned Clown, on the other hand, has done no such thing. He tells me off every chance he gets."

 _ **'And I will continue to do so until it finally sinks through that thick skull of yours that you made a mistake in returning to the Order.'**_

I missed the concerned look that Kanda and Master Cross shared at my comment, but even if I had seen it, I wouldn't have known why they were worried about me. It was going to be years before I learned that they didn't believe me whenever I said that I could converse with the Innocence. Their theory that I had gone a little crazy during my time in captivity actually made quite a lot of sense, but it was far from the truth. While I was imprisoned, I had bonded with my Innocence in a very different way than I had before.

My first few months in captivity were rough but tolerable. However, once the scientists determined that their paralytic was successfully suppressing Crowned Clown, all of that changed. I have no clue what they were trying to do to me, all I know was that it hurt worse than any pain I'd ever felt before. And that's counting Road's candle in my eye and the time Kanda stabbed me with Mugen.

But just when I thought I couldn't take another second more of their 'tests', a sense of calm and warmth washed over me. The physical pain never faded, but I suddenly no longer cared that I was being tortured by the organization that I had pledged my life to. I knew that it was all in my head, but as the comforting feeling grew stronger, I began to hear a voice. It simultaneously sounded like it was coming from inside my head and like I was actually hearing someone talk. _**'Ssh, Baby, it's okay. I'm right here. You're going to be fine.'**_

As the voice continued to speak words of comfort and strength, I realized that it sounded incredibly familiar. And the more I listened to it, the more I was able to ignore the physical pain that the scientists were putting my body through. I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I was confused by what was happening and I needed to know what was going on. _**'Who-?'**_

I put it together before I got the question out. That comforting feeling enveloping my mind was the emotional equivalent of the feeling I had gotten the first time Crowned Clown's cloak had wrapped around my body. _**'Crowned Clown? Is that you?'**_

There was a sad, wistful sigh. _**'It is. I'm sorry that I can't do more than this. The drugs they've put in your system are too strong for me to fight against. Talking to you is all I'm capable of doing. So I need you to listen to me, Baby. I need you to know that you're not alone. No matter what comes next, I will always be at your side. We will get through this together.'**_

 _ **'But-. How is that possible? And why have you never spoken to me before?'**_

The answer I received was very unexpected. _**'I have always been able to talk to you. I spoke to you quite a bit when you were young, but when you grew up, you didn't need me in that way anymore, so you stopped being able to hear my voice.'**_

He sighed again and answered my next question before I even realized I was thinking it. _**'I have been keeping you alive for a long time. It hurts me deeply to see you in any kind of**_ _ **pain.**_ _ **The thing you humans don't realize is that we all love our accommodators. We can't bond with just anyone; there has to be an emotional connection. That's why we fall when we're forced to bond with an incompatible or when we're betrayed - our hearts break and we lose control. If it were up to us, you exorcists would never have to go out and fight.'**_

That was too much information for me to take in in my current state, but Crowned Clown seemed to realize that and he went back to comforting me. It was a subject we'd return to several times over the course of my captivity, and I was eventually able to wrap my head around it, but all it did that first day was confuse me and I was thankful that he dropped it. _**'I am going to do everything in my power to protect you from this, Baby. So promise me that you'll stay strong. We'll get through this together.'**_

I was pulled from my memories when Kanda finally broke his silence. "And you just agreed to this without talking to me first?"

His tone made me frown. "Technically, yes. But it's by far our best option. We were fooling ourselves by thinking we could pretend to be normal. Between my cursed eye and your love for fighting, we're going to get dragged back into the war no matter what we do. Going with Neah is the only thing that makes sense."

Kanda scowled at me. He may have looked fierce, but I knew him well enough to tell that he was searching for an argument against my logic. "I do not love to fight. I'm not _that_ antagonistic."

A voice I'd never heard before snickered. It only took a second to place though. After spending as much time with Kanda as I had, I knew his Innocence almost as well as my own. _**'Don't kid yourself, Yuu. You go out and fight every chance you get.'**_

Mugen's comment went unheard by the others, but it made me laugh. This whole ordeal may have been hell, but I had at least gotten something good out of it; I quite enjoyed being able to communicate with the Innocence.

I cocked an eyebrow at Kanda. "Oh? So it's a coincidence that there's not a single akuma within a fifty mile radius of this town?"

The way he frowned at my rhetorical question was an expression that I had very much missed seeing; I loved being able to render Yuu speechless. Twisting in his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck, I gave him what was meant to be a quick peck to make him feel better. Only, we hadn't kissed in two and a half years. As soon as our lips met, Kanda pulled me closer, all but forcing his tongue into my mouth as he deepened the kiss. And it wasn't until I was struggling to breathe that he finally released me.

Seeing how flushed and out of breath I was, Yuu chuckled as he tousled my hair. "You've got zero stamina, Moyashi."

I snorted in derision as I snapped sarcastically back at his comment. "Gee, I wonder why that could be..."

He just laughed and kissed me again. I wanted to be annoyed at him, but after all the time we'd spent apart, kissing felt so good that I never wanted it to stop. Even though I knew that making out would lead to Kanda discovering things that I never wanted him to know.

This time our kiss was broken by someone loudly and forcefully clearing their throat.

Blushing fiercely, I pulled away from Kanda and turned back to face Master Cross. Expecting to be teased, it was quite a bit of a surprise when he just rolled his eyes at us and grumbled in annoyance. "Guess I'm going to have to get used to seeing _that_. Just promise that you'll keep your clothes _on_. If I walk in on you even partially naked, I'm throwing you both out on your asses. Got it?"

Without waiting for an answer, he got up and left the room.

Yuu and I spent the rest of the day on that couch. We made out a little bit more, but mostly, we just sat and talked. Our conversation stayed far away from what had happened while we were locked up, focusing mostly on what we'd done since we'd escaped, but we did discuss our trial and the events that had led up to our arrest. It felt so good to hear that Yuu not only still loved me, but he didn't blame me or resent me for what had happened. We had always known that the possibility that we would get caught together existed, and whenever we planned for that possibility, Yuu would promise me that he'd always stay by my side. I had taken comfort in that, but when the worst case scenario did happen, I blamed myself for it and began to doubt that Kanda could ever forgive me for causing him so much trouble. Hearing that he didn't blame me for any of it was incredibly reassuring.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm a little disappointed in you guys. Reading your reviews really motivates me to write, and not getting any reviews last chapter stung. It was honestly hard to finish this chapter not knowing if anyone out there wants to read it. [I can't be too mad though; I'm horrible at writing reviews.] Anyway, here's chapter three. ;)

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The first thing I noticed upon waking up the next morning was the warm body lying in the bed beside me. Beyond startled, I immediately started to panic over the unknown man sharing my bed, but then he moaned softly in his sleep and snuggled closer to me, and it was all so comfortingly familiar that I calmed down right away. In my half-awake state, I had simply forgotten that I finally had my Moyashi back.

I actually had my Moyashi back.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tightly to my chest, burying my face in his hair and drinking in his smell. I had missed Allen so much that I needed the physical touch to confirm that he wasn't a figment of my imagination. Being apart had taken its toll on me, and I was going to make sure that we never got separated again. He was mine and he was going to stay that way.

Eventually, Allen stirred. He didn't say a word, just sniffled a few times, but when his gorgeous silver eyes locked with mine, he buried his face in my chest and gave in to his tears. I continued to hold him close while he sobbed in joy and relief. His overly sentimental babbling irritated me like it always had, but I was too happy to have him back to care about that. I had missed the sound of his voice too much to be upset by the drivel he was saying. He could cry all he wanted today.

The tears turned back into sniffles and the occasional hiccup as Allen collected himself. He placed a brief kiss on my collarbone before smiling tentatively up at me. "I know you don't want to let go of me, Yuu, but can I please use the bathroom?"

The truth in his words made me laugh, and I let him go; I may not have wanted to stop touching him, but I wasn't going to make him wet his pants. I followed him as he got up, intending to drag him into the shower with me, but he closed and locked the door behind him, effectively keeping me out. I blinked stupidly at the door that had been closed in my face, unable to figure out why Allen suddenly needed privacy; he knew full well what I was after and he had never rejected me out of modesty before.

I chalked the unusual shyness up to him wanting to get to know me again after being apart; he just needed time to adjust to being back in a relationship. I figured he'd get over it once the rawness of being alone wore off and he'd accepted that I wasn't going to disappear on him.

But three days passed, and while I was once again perfectly comfortable around him, Allen still insisted on having privacy. And that was especially weird, as I was the one of us who was shy. The Moyashi wouldn't even change shirts in front of me, let alone let me have my way with him; his newfound self-consciousness seemed to be here to stay. His emotions remained out of control as well. The littlest thing could set him off, and it was becoming rather irritating to deal with his constant crying.

Tired of trying to respect his wishes after we'd been separated for so long, I ignored his protests from earlier that day and deepened our good night kiss. I was prepared to stop if he really didn't want me to touch him, but I was done giving up so easily. The Moyashi tried to push me away, but I persisted, rolling us over so that I was practically pinning him down. He caved much quicker than I expected, moaning into the kiss and tangling his fingers into my hair. The action felt weird with my hair being so short, but his fingers on my scalp felt so good that I quickly forgot about that.

I pulled away from the kiss for just long enough to breathe before capturing his lips once again. Now that I'd gotten through his defenses, I wasn't holding back any longer. I delved my tongue into his mouth and he responded with a deep moan as he fought back, tangling his tongue with mine and fighting for dominance just like he used to. It egged me on and it wasn't long at all before we were grinding our hips together to increase the heat and friction between us. It was almost as if we'd never been separated.

Ready to take it to the next level, I fumbled with the button on Allen's pants, trying to gain access to that part of him that I wanted most. But as my hand brushed against his crotch, I noticed something that gave me pause: Allen wasn't hard. Breaking our feverish kissing, I gently tangled my fingers into his hair. He looked up at me, his silver eyes hazed with pleasure, clearly wondering why I'd stopped. And that confused me: if he was enjoying this, why wasn't he hard? "What's wrong, Moyashi? You're not enjoying this, so tell me what I need to do differently. I don't want this to just be about me."

Allen snapped. He pulled away from me, throwing himself face down onto the other side of the bed where he began sobbing like a child. It was incredibly weird behavior and I knew in an instant that something was genuinely wrong. This wasn't about what was happening between us. This was serious. And that worried me.

Not knowing what else to do - we'd been together for years and I was still bad at the emotional things - I sat down beside the Moyashi and began rubbing circles on his back to try to get him to calm down. It didn't work, but he didn't push me away either, so I continued to do it. I have no clue how long we sat like that as he continued to sob uncontrollably. He began to murmur into the blankets beneath him, but I couldn't understand what he was saying because it was so muffled. But then, the tears suddenly stopped and he blurted out, clear as day, "It doesn't work anymore."

I blinked down at him, completely confused by the outburst and what it had to do with why he didn't want sex. "What doesn't work?"

Allen rolled over with a heavy sigh and pushed himself to a seated position. His face was puffy from crying and his cheeks were flushed with embarrassment as he frowned down at his lap. I may have disliked his crybaby side, but the expression that followed his outbursts was always adorable. "My ... you know. Down there. It doesn't work."

I felt my eyes go wide. While it was mildly amusing that the Moyashi couldn't say the word "penis" in front of _me_ , that was nothing compared to the horror I felt as I processed what he was saying. Allen bit his lip, clearly trying not to start crying again. "While I was locked up, the scientists ... c-castrated me. I can't have sex ever again."

A cold chill ran down my spine. Allen had been castrated like he was some animal. I didn't move - I _couldn't_ move. I had no clue how to respond to what I'd just learned. While I was somewhat relieved that his lack of response earlier wasn't my fault, I was pissed at those scientists; if we ever ended up back at the Order, there was going to be hell to pay for what they'd done to my Moyashi. I knew that anger wasn't what I should be focusing on when my lover was in such a vulnerable state, but I couldn't think of anything to say in response to his revelation.

That changed rather quickly though. When I didn't react, Allen scrambled for his zipper and pulled his pants off his hips. I took one look at his dick and promptly flipped out. The Moyashi hadn't just been castrated, he'd been mutilated. His genitals were completely covered by a web of scars and marks. There were raised lines from where he'd been cut open and sewed back together, needle marks from where they'd injected him with god knows what, welts and bruises that were still only half healed, and the remnants of burns that looked horrendous. If I had a weaker stomach, I probably would have lost my dinner at the sight of all that damage. It was gruesome to see and even worse to think about the pain he must have felt as those wounds were inflicted on him.

I was livid and I could no longer hold it in. I pushed myself off the bed, pacing furiously as I loudly went through every curse and swear word that I knew. When that did little to make me feel better, I turned and punched a hole in the wall.

.x.x.

I was terrified of Kanda finding out about what had been done to me, but I had known that it was inevitable that he would find out. I just couldn't refuse to be intimate with him when I knew that physical touch was how he showed love.

His furious reaction was almost exactly what I expected it to be, but there was a small amount of relief in that he didn't seem to be mad at me. My fears were wrong; he wasn't going to reject me over this. I panicked briefly when he punched the wall, worried that he had hurt himself, but he just pulled his hand out of the hole and shook it off.

Kanda's shouting must have attracted Cross, as the next thing that happened was him bursting into the room, angry and ready to yell at us for the noise. He froze when he saw me though, and I belatedly realized that my pants were down and I was completely exposed. I scrambled to pull them up, but it was too late, Cross had seen the damage. His face paled and he almost looked sick. "Did the Order do that to you?"

It took everything I had not to cry as I curled up into the fetal position. I was terrified and embarrassed of what was going to happen next. To my surprise, I felt two different weights join me on the bed. I expected the first one; that was Yuu laying down behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into an embrace that was both comforting and protective. The other weight had to be from Cross as he sat on the edge of the bed by my feet. I didn't understand why Master Cross would try to comfort me, but before I could ask about it, he had placed his palm on my forehead. I froze in fear, knowing exactly what was coming next. I held as still as I could, barely breathing as Master Cross cast a spell on me. When he finished, he cursed under his breath and leaned away from me. I waited for him to explain, but when he didn't, I had to ask. "What did you just do to me?"

Cross shook his head in disappointment; the expression of concern on his face was one I wasn't used to seeing. "Unfortunately, nothing. That spell wasn't strong enough."

That was simultaneously depressing and incredibly touching. It meant a lot to me that Master Cross' first reaction had been to try to help me. Cross placed a tentative hand on my shoulder; he almost seemed scared of offending me. "Will you let me take a closer look? I need to get a better idea of what exactly they did to you."

I didn't understand what he was asking, my brain was a little fried, but Kanda was quick to explain. He brushed a hand into my hair in a gesture that was meant to be soothing and squeezed my shoulders tighter. "He wants to see your dick, Moyashi, so that he can fix you."

"Oh." I immediately rolled over and let Cross pull down my pants so that he could examine me. It was mortifying having to expose myself like that again, but if Cross could reverse the damage that had been done then it would all be worth it. It helped that Cross was basically my father and had seen it multiple times before, but as I lay there and he poked and prodded at it, that was a small comfort. It didn't matter that the men looking at me were my father and my lover, the situation only reminded me of being experimented on.

I could tell Cross was done when he started casting another spell, and I knew from the way he scowled afterwards that this one had also failed. But to my surprise, he actually explained instead of walking away. "I'm sorry, Allen. Whatever those bastards did to you, I can't fix it with magic."

I couldn't stop the tears that fell, even though I had known from the start that that was what he was going to say. I had been an emotional wreck lately, set off by the littlest of things; the doctor Neah took me to said that it was a side effect of being castrated, and while I prayed he was wrong and that it would wear off, that didn't seem to be the case. Collecting myself as best I could, I smiled at Master Cross through my tears. "Thank you for trying. It means a lot to me that you would do that for me, even if it didn't work."

Clearly uncomfortable with my outburst, Cross stood from the bed and moved to the door. However, instead of leaving, he paused a few steps away and spoke without turning to look at me. "I may not be able to fix it, but I do know of a workaround."

It was clear from the way he froze that Cross hadn't meant to say that out loud. And knowing from experience that he'd disappear if I didn't react immediately, I was quick to prod him for answers; he'd gotten my hopes up and I desperately needed an explanation from him. "What does that mean?"

He finally turned around, shaking his head at me. "You don't want to know."

"Yes I do." I stared at him as confidently as I could, which was hard when he was giving me that look of his that said not to argue with him because he knew what was best for me; I really hated that look growing up, and even now that I was free, it still had that same effect on me. "Just tell me already."

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, narrowing his eyes at me in a way that made fear well up inside of me; apparently being an adult did not free me from our master-apprentice relationship. "Look, I know you think this is a great idea, but I don't want to do it, and you're not going to want me to do it, so just forget I said anything."

Kanda rolled his eyes, finally speaking up. "How's he supposed to know whether or not he wants to do it if you won't tell him what it is?"

Cross scowled back at him; he liked to think that he was the smartest person in the room and had always hated having logical retorts thrown at him. "I know you're excited about the possibility of having sex with Allen again, but try to keep it in your pants."

Not giving Kanda time to respond to the comment, he turned back to me and fixed me with a very serious gaze. "While this would change your body so that you can have sex again, the side effects would be permanent." His gaze hardened even more. "There is _no_ going back. If I do this and you decide that you don't like it, there's no undoing it."

The evasive answer just made Kanda upset. He growled fiercely at Cross. "Just tell us what it is already."

Cross met his glare for a moment before fixing me with a serious stare that scared the crap out of me. "It would turn you into a woman."


End file.
